only for nostalgia

yikes! NEW BLOG!

2009-09-09T09:57:00.001-08:00

www.blogspot.com/shoesonshoes

Please go there, it's been a while since I've used this one!

Thanks, Sarena

UPDATED September 2009

happy birthday jenne

2008-05-30T01:27:00.002-08:00

she is 21 today!

im back in fbx for friday and part of saturday. so tomorrow night a few of us are going camping at Rosehip, about 27 miles CHENA HOT SPRINGS road. i'm pretty excited about it.

healy is amazing. ive got two lauras as roommates, one is about 8 mo younger than me and goes to school in van. amazing. raft guides are great too, and ive been working a lot and loving it. also hiked Mt Healy last week! yay! that was an awesome accomplishment. i plan to do a lot more hiking like that.

it has been very, very cold in denali this week. and i am broke so i cannot afford much more for layers. its freezing in fb too! wtf summer!

anyways, im doing great. life is perfect.

rena

may

2008-05-16T00:17:00.003-08:00

is moving fast. i'm moving to Healy next week. Australia didn't work out. but i'm okay with it. things work out the way they are supposed to.

im in a semi relationship, and things are good. im just letting things be for now. letting them be.

i cant wait to move out of fairbanks. :)

rena

clean.

2008-04-20T01:47:00.001-08:00

my life is stressed.

i move out may 1, which is a day that i have finals. oops.

then im homeless/semihomeless for 4 days. im gonna sleep in my car. and im just gonna be drunk allllll the time.

i leave here soon.

im sad.
(kinda)
i'll miss people.

rena

almost there, going nowhere

2008-04-13T00:42:00.002-08:00

Disappear from your hometown
Go and find the people that you know
Show them all your good parts
Leave town when bad ones start to show
Go and wed a woman
A pretty girl that you’ve never met
Make sure she knows you love her well
But don’t make any other promises

The weight of lies will bring you down
And follow you to every town
Cause nothing happens here that doesn’t happen there
So when you run make sure you run
To something and not away from
Cause lies don’t need an aeroplane to chase you anywhere

I once heard the worse thing
A man could do is draw a hungry crowd
Tell everyone his name, pride, and confidence
But leaving out his doubt
I’m not sure I bought those words
When I was young I knew most everything
Those words have never met so much to anyone
As they now mean to me

we built this world of our own

2008-04-06T19:00:00.004-08:00

library dwelling again. my computer is still MIA unfortunately. but its okay, i found an amazing computer lab at school. im on a HUUUUGE apple right now, working on my essay and listening to my ipod. you can basically personalize the computer for your own login..and it wil stay. im so amazed. i dont know why i havent been using this earlier, haha.

im listening to "thirteen" by ben kweller on repeat. my headis fucking attacking me, i cant handle it.

im planning on getting "if i am lost its only for a little while" tattooed on my footsie.

i really really don't want to re-write this essay. but i have to. its 7 now, i have 4 hours. i like to think i only have 2 though. maybe that will motivate me. who knows. im just glad my ipod is charged again.

friday night i went to an 80's party. it was amzing. i was the best 80's mom ever.

last night started off as a crunk party but then we moved. ended up being blah, sleeping in til 3:00 tdoday. i am worthless.

i just found out that i dont have a day off until april 27. fuuuuck me. this was my last day, and i spent it sleeping and doing homework. i fucking hate that.

im gonna leave the lyrics to this song, its that amazing. it makes you wanna fall in love.

We've been in the rain, we've been on the mountain, we've been round the fire

In fancy hotels, drank water from farm wells, we sang with the choir

I kissed your dry lips. We jumped off the high cliffs and splashed down below

skin to skin in the salty river
made love in the shadow

read books to each other, read the mind of the other, flew one thousand

we laughed and we cried at movies and real life and our ridiculous bets

we danced in the moonlight at midnight we pressed against back doors and wooden floors, and you never faked it

and frequently we ignored our love but we could never mistake it

we met on the front porch, fell in love on the phone
without the physical wreck

you gave me the necklace that used to hang around your mothers neck

we questioned religions, fed bread to the pigeons
we learned how to pray

we stood by the ocean, turned our hearts in to one
we layed in bed all day

we skipped on the sidewalk, skipped stones on the water
we skipped town

we've seen the sunrise with new eyes, we've seen the damage of gossip and true lies
we've seen the sun go down

had passionate makeouts with passionte freakouts...we built this world of our own

it was in the back of a taxi when you told me you loved me and that i wasnt alone

6:51, library

2008-03-30T18:51:00.002-08:00

I'm at school on a library computer. I finally just applied to my PFD...phew...that would have sucked. Deadline is tomorrow.

My mac's hard drive ate shit last week, an hour before my huge english essay was due. fuck me. anyways, it'll be fixed later this week, but for now i'm $315 in the hole with this shit. fuuuck me.

I have a lot of schoolwork to do. now its 2 english essays and another english assignment due tuesday, bio homework due tues, and a huge geography/intl midterm tuesday morning after kickboxing. I hope i kill it. i just worked on the study guide, holy shiiiit. took me an hour to get 5 questions answered. 3 more geographical areas to go...and the library is freezing, so im going to do it at home. it's not like i have any temptations there. ok im outa here. work at 6:30 en manana.

ps. bonfire last night? killed it. amaaaaaaazing until the cops came. still. i love alaska. it was on the beach out by the airport, the tide came in and the fire was huge, good music playing (guitar and drums), two awseome dogs, and planes would come in DIRECTLY over us super close and their lights would hit the ocean and it was just..beautiful. and content.

...until, once again, the cops came. MUY LAME.

ok sweatpant time.
<3 renaface

Nepal.

2008-03-25T17:49:00.002-08:00

this fall, 2008, i will NOT be attending UAA and going to school for international studies, bla bla. INSTEAD...i am taking it off, and exploring the world..

okay, not really either.

but i did get accepted to a 3 month volunteer program in villages outside of Khatmandu where i will be helping in children's homes and doing numerous other volunteer activities...

so im going.

i leave at the end of august, training starts sept.1...and placement ends at the end of november. i will be returning to anchorage then and will be ALSO returning to school in SPRING 2009.

this is a much necessary activity and i expect to be completely humbled and i HOPE i get a newsflash or so.

life-changing activities, here i come.

oh, that is, after i raise $4000 for the ticket and program fees. NEPAL, im coming to you, but give me 3 months to raise the money to get there!

there we go..

i love all of my friends, i know you support me, yaaaay!

srna

churn

2008-03-24T00:41:00.002-08:00

i have been feeling like shit for over a week. one, my migraines are killing me. two, my stomach feels like its been torn apart and taped back together. three, my liver and lungs ache. four, i have terrible anxiety. i mean, i had to breathe into a bag. wtf.

other than that, i am stressed out a bit. lots of tests and stuff. but easter was swell, i went to church with breanna and then of course- Ihop!! woo!

then slept for 3 hrs then went to the library. its 1 AM and i work at 6:30. i cant sleep. i have a migraine. im thinking about getting up and donig homework. but my stomach doesnt want me to move.

in other news, its amazing how fucking open someone can be one day, and then how you can watch it slowly fade back into routine in less than a week. really makes me lose hope in people. really makes me want to give up and pack up the demolition crew and move somewhere else for a while. gay.

looking forward to my boys coming in April and saving me from all of this. i cant wait to see daniel's smile, william's aviators, and alex's egg-shaped head. miss you boys. lets all get married and life will be prime.

PS. bonfire series starts next weekend.

<3srn, aea.

your best way out was her

2008-03-20T22:10:00.002-08:00

sarena: so now we're used to the rain
what are u doooing

Jane
eating stirfry and watching porn

sarena: so now we're used to the rain
mmmm
thats what i love about you.

let the sun shine on and on

2008-03-19T23:38:00.002-08:00

wino night. i have never seen kelsey happier in my life. the wall was his best friend, and i loved it.
felt awfully judged this evening.
decided to keep it real.

kelsey, find yourself a sock, and then we'll talk.

PS. KICKBOXING AT 7 FUCKING AM

PSS. nepal sept-nov, SAN FRAN nov-mid dec, home in dec, school in january.

life is muy bueno.

and now the one you once loved is leaving

2008-03-18T21:58:00.001-08:00

brett and i listened to lydiaaa tonight. it wasnt anything entirely special, i mean that as in..last night was deeper, aha. but anytime with brett is basically cherished. esp cs the little bitch is leaving for like, 3000 years.

it was good. good times. he told me to vote for obama.

<3re

you will never waste my time

2008-03-17T21:56:00.003-08:00

monday, 3/17/08
st patty's day

1. worked 6:30-3 PM
2. class at 5:30, showed up but was cancelled
3. indian food with alicia..interesting but good!
4. drive with brett. about our awkward saturday evening, secret sharing, what is really going on in our minds, and how we both need to get out of here...and how i'll miss him a bunch.

anyways. he helped me control my bitterness and told me to stop. and i told him to put down his wall eventually so i can come inside and see the real him.

and he said, maybe one day.

anyways, i love that guy. muy. we are going on another drive tomorrow night because the new LYDIA album comes out :) their old album is the first cd i gave brett 2 years ago when we met, and this new one is kind of tradition.

im so excited!

a love note from your piano

2008-03-15T19:27:00.000-08:00

spontaneity, my favorite:

im taking fall 2008 off.
im not staying in america. no matter what.
my plan? nepal, teach english/work at an orphanage.

i cannot wait.

wounds i love to reopen

2008-03-13T23:41:00.001-08:00

I found this in my livejournal account. I miss everything.

"we nee mo wax!
alcan
7/10/06 02:11 am

40 year old virgin at 2:13 in the morning. will and caitlen on the air mattress. brett snoring in the bed we sleep in. girdwood was amazing but electricity is nice too. brett dropped a bomb and im not sure i really like the l word anymore. i loved our tent and woods adventures. feeling like a 14 year old all over again 2 nights in a row was wonderful. i like the back of the school bus at 11 pm drunk and holding hands. i really like my fall back into pills and i hope i keep this up. migraines fucking suck, thats all there is to it. josh texted me telling me he had a present for me. i erased him from my phone so it was awkward to see his canadian digits but its alright cus maybe we are gonna be on good terms now. i drive back tomorrow and my ass has stitches all up in it but hey. its all for the future. anchorage in a month and college and school again and will i be better? never better. frolf was exciting and i love my new skirt. i am high and my migraine makes me hot and this room is killer. serial killer. thank god for dirty hippies and one amazing band from homer. sophomore boys make excellent zeppelin covers. i wish i didnt snore but at least you dont care.

ugh.

high.

up, down, acid whispering trees and flower wreaths, 3 guitars, 800 tents, and a million hand drums...

newfound glories."

i wanna lie down and never leave.

2008-03-12T15:05:00.003-08:00

first of all, rocky votolato has my heart, forever.
one of my all-time favorite artists, ever.

anyways. its spring break. my mom is in town, we went to dinner the night before last and last night we went to La Mex after a day of shopping. i bought another dress, and it snowed. im so ready for summer. fuck you mother nature!

sunday was amazing. i went on a trip to the peninsula with jenne and shelly. i basically had the best time of my life. i love road trips, and i had never been past girdwood. it was pretty amazing. i took a lot of pictures, and they are all on my photo myspace

www.myspace.com/sehphoto

in the "Alaska's Toes" album. best time.

brett is back in town, he went to seattle this weekend after competing in the cabin fever debate finals last thursday. i missed him a lot, he was super impressive at the debate. like i was blown away by his speech. amazing.

we hung out last night. went to Taproot Cafe on the south side by his house, watched open mic a bit while he had a beer. then went to his place and watched Ratatouille. or whatever. i realized at that moment that i am the worst French speaker ever and it's too bad my major has a lot to do with French and everything about it.

i just got off work, which i was a half hour late to this morning. whatever. im going to take a quick nap and go to dinner with my mom, AGAIN. this eating out thing is killing me.

spring break isn't about drinking or anything anymore. i'm pretty content with just having 2 days off (first time in 2 months) and for seeing my mom and good friends.

anyways, here is one great photo from homer's beach. chao love, rena

remember when?

2008-03-05T18:35:00.002-09:00

remember when, we'd lay awake in bed, and you asked if it was over, and i said that i need you.
remember when, the telephone went dead, and we couldnt connect to, each other like we used to.

i was waiting for someone else to blame, im an open book of falicy of shame, cus i lied to you, and i cant tell the truth.

remember when, you made another friend, and i knew what he was up to, but i know that i can trust you.
eventually, i aimed with jealousy, and i dont know what came over me, i fueled my whole anxiety.

remember when you said that i was your best friend and that i could tell you anything.

(im still in love with liam finn.)

freaky dreams last night. freaky deaky.

i'll be lightning

2008-02-29T09:46:00.004-09:00

good morning all (9:46 AM, 9 am IS my new noon) i woke up about a half hour ago. blah. anyways, brett and i had a huge conversation last night. it was very interesting, but once again, i noticed that it is all things i may have known...just never really pieced apart. (a lot of things have been like that lately) basically we started it off when i told him i was thinking about people in darfur, etc. that are living in tents with aided food and could get shot or taken from their family at any second. then i compared them to us in the united states, who have so much leisure time its not even funny. aka right now im sitting on my laptop listening to liam finn from australia not a care in the world, no work for 4 hours. wow. anyways i was saying that it all hit me that we as americans (and other developed countries) have more time to think about life and the meaning of life because we are stable, because our food, shelter, and safety issues are in tact. (mostly, that is, but even if they arent, im saying our economics are, though controversial, more stable than 3rd-world-countries...or maybe more developed and tested) therefore we get done with work, we come home, we get on our computers or watch tv and open a beer. we know we have something to look forward to when we are done "working" (ps, ill talk about America's view of life w/ working later). Brett told me that he has been studying virtue ethics **(some examples include: the virtues themselves, motives and moral character, moral education, moral wisdom or discernment, friendship and family relationships, a deep concept of happiness, the role of the emotions in our moral life and the fundamentally important questions of what sort of person I should be and how we should live.) anyways, he goes on about how earlier, before computers or tv, men started to use their leisure time to think about life. to philosophize. theyd sit around and talk about the meaning of life and stuff. which i believe is probable. the next bit is blurry in my memory, but i remember him talking about the difference of virtue ethics and when it becomes NOT virtue ethics, but i cant remember. then i went off about how in underdeveloped countries, thinking about life doesn't really come around. you're worried about being killed, actually. im not saying they arent people but i do believe that they believe life is temporary and can end fast, at any time..compared to most of westerner's thoughts, which is that life is precious and besides, we have the medicine advancements, etc. to live longer, therefore building our worth and when we die its not easy to accept. so bascially, i was saying that the US and ODC (other developed countries, im sick of writing it) are capable of having the time and energy to spend on thinking about life. which effects a shit ton of stuff. then brett said that yes, we do have a more time to think about life, but nowadays we just think about work and more materialistic things. i KIND of disagreed saying, we have the choice. and two options is wonderful, in some UDC they can't. anyways, basically i just wanted to share that with you. I'm sure anyone who reads this has an opinion and many things to say.

:) (PS there are a lot of things i cant remember because I have a terrible memory, especially when i am in heated conversation)

Sarena

wide awake on the voyage home

2008-02-28T10:58:00.003-09:00

everyone living as one
one morning to breathe
i knew that this day would come
its such a permanent feeling

you've got a fire in your belly
and swollen eyes staring back at me
still got my car parked in the alley
in the garage

you look much older when you're mad
your heart starts beating like a discotech
got no regrets
except i wish you were here with me
ive done my own
i try so hard just to be content
got no regrets
except i wish you were here with me.

and all my friends they agree with me
and now my eyes they can see clearly
there must be truth to what we're feeling
its a mirage

and in time, change my mind
i hope.

i see you in my sheets

2008-02-24T21:44:00.003-09:00

and just look at the size of you. the sun shines on and on, let the sun shine on and on...

today downtown i went to the running of the reindeer! it was amazing.

and then i went snowboarding with tad. and then i got home, and bart fucking showed up. drunk. uninvited.
i dont need to deal with this shit.

keys are just clouds made of metal and spark

2008-02-24T00:35:00.002-09:00

we knew exactly who we were and yet, couldn't quite say who we still are

i love this song (first sight) by These United States. soo good.

things have been strange lately. i feel despondent. and my brain power has seemed to stop working after last week (2 midterms, 2 essays due, and a lot of stuff due this week). ive realized a lot of things too. one being i am incredibly lonely, even though i thought me and bart breaking up was a positive thing. another being things change when you turn your head, and when you look back it'll never be the same. three, that i really need to clean my apartment.

four, spring semester always sucks.
five, i keep to myself more now.
six, everyone talks and no one is wrong it seems.
seven, photography is falling away.
eight, pick up sticks.
nine, i have me to myself now, sometimes its a good thing.
ten, i really don't like feeling vulnerable.

random thoughts. there are probably a hundred. but for right now i can only think of a few things id like to share with anyone, the rest are secret.

rena

holga, love

2008-02-18T21:07:00.003-09:00

As the express train passes the local
It moves by just like a paper boat
Although it weighs a million pounds
I swear it almost seems to float
And as we pass by each other
Our heads are filled with bother
We can't look, we can't stop
We can't think, we can't stop
Cause we're stuck in our own paths
And that's the way it always lasts
And I need something more from you.

makers

2008-02-16T20:42:00.002-09:00

its saturday night, 8:44 pm. im sitting at home and im doing laundry, cleaning my disgusting apartment, and listening to radiohead. i should be writing a essay on writing for anthropology due monday, 5-7 pges. havent started that yet. i should also be studying for my huge bio test tuesday. nope. instead im searching the internet and planning to leave soon. i hate priorities, and i HATE pressure. and essays, eff them too.

nonetheless, the end of this week has been way better than the beginning. i had a pretty terrible week, but now i have my car back and my apartment back (dont ask) and im working and saving money again. its pretty nice. i appreciate having a car SO much more now. plus valentines day is over, thank god. eff that holiday.

im tired. but updating: things are good now. not so much with bart, but things are better now.

<3 rena

PS. i got a tamberine solo last night. i love you kotos sighting!

day by day

2008-02-07T22:31:00.003-09:00

http://view.break.com/321880 - Watch more free videos

i freaking love it!

also check out (thanx cam) www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com

you rock ca.

all your doors prefer locks

2008-02-04T21:47:00.000-09:00

me and bart broke up yesterday on superbowl sunday, right before the game. he was drunk and i was sober and determined, but that fell apart fast. by the time he walked out on me in his room and left me there crying, i was in pieces. so i got it together and left his apartment, walked right past him on his deck, and when he told me not to leave, please, i told him he didnt hesitate to walk away from me..so why should i? and then followed up with the ol, "the worst part about this is you wont remember it"

im still in love with him, of course i am. but his drinking and his lack of effort were tearing me apart. i was putting my all into it and he was hardly giving me the time of day. i wish i could talk to him but i attempted today and he hung up on me twice, and then the third time told me he just didnt care enough to try to fix it, after which i said "then i made the right decision" and hung up on him, then bursting into tears and wanting.to.fucking.die.

alicia talked me down. thank god.

im trying everything in my might not to fall apart right now. there is nothing i can do to make him not hate me. i ahve to give it time, which is probably the one thing i cannot do. obviously, why do you think j hates me? because i dont know how to handle feeling vulnerable after i break up with someone. alsjdlksajdlsajd

i miss the way he rubs his toes together in the mornings when hes still asleep. i miss that more than anything.

d.kass

2008-02-02T01:59:00.000-09:00

amazing.

her milk glows in the blacklight

2008-01-29T20:14:00.000-09:00

i have officially fallen head over heels in love with the album, "asleep at heaven's gates" by rogue wave.

listen to it.

ps. im back in anchorage. i feel good. im 20, and im back on track. i am secure here ive realized. i want to diet, budget, and time manage automatically. maybe i can stay here after all.

but i do miss you colorado, and all the adventures we have yet to have together must be put on hold for a little while.

thanks for a good time.

dubya dubya aye aye aye

2008-01-26T19:45:00.000-09:00

last night was ridiculous.

telluride telluride telluride

2008-01-23T21:43:00.000-09:00

WAS SO FREAKING AMAZING!
ill let the pictures tell the story. enjoi.

sledding at grand mesa

2008-01-20T15:01:00.000-09:00

so saturday (yesterday) we went around montrose, then went to dinner with haley's mom, sis and bro, and brit's dad then 5 of us went bowling and then to Juno. It was a pretty awesome day, i will show pictures soon.

today we got up around 9 (which is 7 am in alaska, by the way) and drove out to a town about 15 minutes away called Olathe. there we met brit's cousin lyle in a parking lot and we all took off to go snowmachining.

it was a pretty sweet time, about an hour drive there and up all these hills, but decent snow at the top. nothing like alaska but very impressive. lots of cows, still.

sledding was fun, i got one of them stuck for a while, cus i was drunk on elevation and rumplemintz that haley put in flasky. there were some dudes that i met from junction that were towing each other on snowboards behind the sleds, it was wild, just like arctic man. so i talked to them and then ended up spleefing it up with them. the sun was REALLY bright today. brit's cam will have pictures later.

now we are back at the house and i am WIPED out. i slept a lot of the time on the way back due to the sleeping pill i smoked and the sun soaking the energy out of my life. i have been cheating SO BAD on my diet and i need to get back on it. the orange juice i had this morning was my daily carb intake + half of tomorrows. jesus.

anyways ill upload some pics later when the internet is working better. chao!

montrose

2008-01-19T10:29:00.000-09:00

last night i got into denver at around 3, and haley picked me up from the airport (that airport is CRAZY). we went to ruby tuesday with her mom and i had a piece of bread for the first time in 3 months. WHOA.

then we went and picked up brittany who flew in from idaho around 5. we thought about staying in denver for the night but found out the passes werent so bad so we ended up driving. i love driving in colorado. we went through all these towns, including vail, if we were in alaska you drive straight for 8 hours and hit cantwell and talkeetna and nenana the end. so different.

we got into montrose after midnight and watched Out Cold which haley had never seen and then went to sleep. Today we woke up at around 10:30 (my comp says its 10:30 now even tho its 12:30, time difference) and ate breakfast and got ready. I dont know what we are doing today but im bringing my camera. I need some sunglasses-its so bright here! i would never expect that anywhere in winter. i better get going. its gorgeous outside!

Love, rena

blaaaaaah emergency room.

2008-01-15T18:54:00.000-09:00

this weekend was fun...until i got strep throat that grew into a MONSTER in less than 2 days. it was like i had two tumors with white amoebas attacking my throat. anyways, sunday morning i woke up and couldnt breathe, and i had a 104 fever, so i called work off (only 4 hours) and FINALLY at about 7:30 pm i drove my sad friendless ass to the emergency room and got a shot. ooh man. yesterday was a bit rough too and for some reason the 2nd day of penicillin makes this little white dude on my throat burn, i dont know why, it happens every time, but at least im eating! and not having fever sweats, etc.

other than being sick (poor bart had it too, not as bad, but for longer and without medical insurance aka no penicillin) i have been working and getting psyched for colorado (2 days!!!) and cleaning and going to CLASS!

monday i had anthropology which looks really fun and very interesting. definately a class i can get involved in.

today i had work from 6:30-10:30 and went to my first going-towards-major class, International1/Geography. 2 buildings over and 15 minutes after that ended, i had BIO in a very large lecture hall. 2 of my friends from Monroe High that are a year younger than me are in it with me, so it shouldnt be too bad. i am interested in science anyways. right after that was english HELL/boot camp which i am switching out of STAT. cannnnt handle that. im now trying to get into a monday class, which my boss wont like, but then again i dont like that he thinks i can work every day that i dont have class. (do you remember when you hired me and i said PART TIME? do you know what that MEANS?) blah.

i leave for CO in 2 days, and ive gotta go get my laundry out of the dryer right now. then im off to the store before volleyball (oh yea, im helping my friend Katrina coach volleyball for 2 different boys and girls club teams, i am so stoked!)

goodnight all, ta ta and soon ill be off!

rena

today is a good day.

2008-01-10T11:11:00.000-09:00

couple things that make the rest of the week bearable.

1. yesterday i did more than i have ever done in a day, but it was on my accord, and i am easing myself into time management.
2. im looking really, really good. i love you diet and exercise.
3. bart comes in tonight, and recent events make me want to hold him and never let him go.
4. i have one week left until im in fucking colorado.
5. i have food in my fridge!
6. i found out rockstars are all i need to survive.
7. $3870 is refunded from my loans and it will be in the bank soon.
8. finally, and most importantly, my friend sam finalized the tickets and hotel reservations and i am officially going to melbourne, australia, from may 12-24. yesssssssss!!

jay is overwhelmed, i CANT WAIT TO SEE HIM!!

<3 positive rena

hair cut.

2008-01-08T22:10:00.000-09:00

today i got a haircut, and i love it, and its sooo healthy. i want to grow it out but i think medium length is the length for me.

i leave for colorado in 9 days. that means i am very very excited.

also, im going to ireland + australia in may for 2 weeks before i have to work. for free. i get to meet my friend Jay in aussie and i am more than excited.

finally, im getting a cabin with running water this summer in fairbanks with my friend sam (who is taking me on the trip). its going to be amaaaazing. party house!

now for a picture of me in my shirt that i had to take in because i lost another pound and i am very happy.

love you all
rena

Ps. here is a picture of me half naked in the same shirt. it is poofy in the front so it makes me look weird but dayum, check out that ass?
aw, i love my big black butt.

holland.

2008-01-06T22:45:00.000-09:00

all the time we spent in bed, counting miles before we slept. fall in love then fall apart. things will end before they start.
(i love sufjan stevens)

Hello All,
So it was a wonderful year last year. It was new and fresh and i got stuff out of my system and left demons that 2006 had in the past. This year, 2008, is a new beginning as well. I will for now continue to be in love with My Bartlebee, because we have talked about his drinking issues and therefore we are going to be happy as cubs for a while more.

I'm working at the coffeeshop still, like a slave. But its nice. tips are always good, as grim as they are. I work sunday-sunday every day but I will be getting a nice little paycheck come next Friday (which also happens to be the day I leave!)

Colorado is in less than 2 weeks. I am completely completely excited for this trip. I am finally getting rid of my blood money that was so so so hopeless for me. I am going to spend it on a 10 day trip with 2 awesome girls and 1 beautiful state! I'm missing a week of school but its worth it. I am also going to be working my butt off until then and after because I just had to break the news to my boss (unhappy)

Christmas break was not very eventful. I went home to Fairbanks for a week, and drank a lot, and broke my diet too. Surprisingly at the gym tonight I found out I only gained 1 pound over the holidays. WHOA! That means I have lost 14 pounds to date. Anyways, I basically drank and hung out in town. It didnt seem like it was very long.

New Years I spent in Girdwood with Bart. It wasnt very awseome at all, I didnt know anyone except bart and torin, but at least its 2008 now. I drove into town early because I had to work at 10. Kill me.

School starts in a week and everyone starts piling back into town this week (yay!). I cant wait for classes, my major in international studies should be really interesting.

My Photography has been really blah lately. No inspiration I suppose. It's ok though. I dont wana push it. Thank god I dont have much pressure.

That's all!

<3 Rena

blaaaaah

2008-01-03T03:01:00.000-09:00

feliz ano nuevo!

i spoke spanish a LOT this new year. because i partied with chileans. anyways, im drun, and im going to bed. love all of you

renabeeeeeeeeeee

firecracker

2007-12-31T02:16:00.001-09:00

everything has changed.

maybe i should too.

it is the new year after all.

endings..and beginnings.

have you seen this girl?

2007-12-29T04:54:00.000-09:00

He woke up from dreaming and put on his shoes
Started making his way past
Two in the morning
He hasn't been sober for days

Leaning now into the breeze
Remembering Sunday, he falls to his knees
They had breakfast together
But two eggs don't last
Like the feeling of what he needs

Now this place seems familiar to him
She pulled on his hand with a devilish grin
She led him upstairs
She led him upstairs
Left him dying to get in

Forgive me, I'm trying to find my calling
I'm calling at night
I don't mean to be a bother
But have you seen this girl?
She's been running through my dreams
And it's driving me crazy, it seems
I'm gonna ask her to marry me

Even though she doesn't believe in love
He's determined to call her bluff
Who could deny these butterflies?
They're filling his gut

Waking the neighbors, unfamiliar faces
He pleads though he tries
But he's only denied
Now he's dying to get inside

Forgive me, I'm trying to find my calling
I'm calling at night
I don't mean to be a bother
But have you seen this girl?
She's been running through my dreams
And it's driving me crazy, it seems
I'm gonna ask her to marry me

The neighbors said she moved away
Funny how it rained all day
I didn't think much of it then
But it's starting to all make sense
Oh, I can see now that all of these clouds
Are following me in my desperate endeavor
To find my whoever, wherever she may be

I'm not coming back
(Forgive me)
I've done something so terrible
I'm terrified to speak
(I'm not calling, I'm not calling)
But you'd expect that from me
I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt
(You're driving me crazy)
Now the rain is just washing you out of my hair
And out of my mind
Keeping an eye on the world
From so many thousands of feet off the ground
I'm over you now
I'm at home in the clouds, towering over your head

I guess I'll go home now
I guess I'll go home now
I guess I'll go home now
I guess I'll go home

60 years of crime in my family

2007-12-28T03:55:00.000-09:00

good news. i made the dean's list at school! i got 4 A's, and a B in math. can you believe it? I'm pretty impressed with myself.

this means i am back on track.

tonight i was kind of drunk, and i was watching the chronicles of narnia with my friend for the first time ever, and i was like wow, how awseome are their clothes. then i thought MAN how cool would it have been to photograph that war. then i thought WOW i really want to change the world.

then i thought, maybe i'll major in international studies...and minor in photojournalism.

as much as i hate it, its what i can do to help out.

anyways, tonight morgan and jen and i went to P.S. I Love You and i just about cried the entire fucking movie. fuck that guy is cute. (the dead hubby is the same guy as the lead dude in 300) and he is so hot in this one. killll me i was halfway drunk and wanted to pick his hotness out of the movie and rape.

besides illegal sexual abuse, i had a good night. but now i am exhausted and i think im going to go to sleep and wake up early because i have not done one thing for my mom since i got home.

love, rena

listening to: where are you go go going to? by Loney, Dear

but youre not coming home again

2007-12-26T01:10:00.000-09:00

It's funny how it tears me apart
First it breaks your head then your heart
I should've loved you better
From the start
It's chewin' at my bones and my brains
It's workin' through the flesh that remains
Why can't this feelin' leave me
And just fade away?

Confusion raining down from up high
And all the time you ask yourself 'why?'
Why can't you make decisions
Can't make up your mind

Although you're trying hard to forget
The reason why you feel so misled
Now come on and forgive me
I'll help you accept

From day one I led you on
I'm sorry girl, but I can't stay
Things have changed, they're not the same
Now I must walk the other way... home

cus music saves your life

2007-12-24T00:17:00.000-09:00

home for the holidays! here are some pics from morgans partae last night. muy fun :)

to my fairbanks...

2007-12-22T04:57:00.000-09:00

i love you, and i'll never neglect you again.

night windows

2007-12-21T04:10:00.001-09:00

so aimless for so long i think i might have lost my way
its far too late to talk about tomorrow
these are things i feel, and things i think, and try to say
still waiting for the morning, i'm still waiting for today

(i remember how im sorry that i miss the way it could be)

stop holding back

2007-12-18T22:38:00.001-09:00

so bart and i fight just about every time we see each other now.

hmm. and every time i see him i end up crying in a bathroom. i dont want to put a negative weight onto this relationship, but wtf. why cant we communicate? what the hell happened? why does he hold everything nice he does for me against me? why does he always say, "i could have been doing something else..instead of being with you tonight." do i seriously not show him enough fucking appreciation? (how much money does he owe me again?) why do i treat him like he isnt a human when he starts drinking? what triggers me and why cant i control it? why cant i see that it makes him hate me? how un healthy is that?

we need counseling or fucking something. i love him so much, but i cant stand seeing us like this. and seeing how fast he wanted to leave the apartment and get away from me tonight i know he cant either. where did it go?

loney, dear-where are you go go going to? (download this.)

dream a little dream

2007-12-18T11:46:00.000-09:00

so last night when i was trying to sleep, i was thinking of photography and where i am in it. there is so much i want to acquire still but i want to officially just get going. i dont think i am living up to my potential whatsoever. i know that i have a lot to learn, but i also know that i learn as i go and its been like that for as long as i have known. i learn slow, but ive always thought that was something good for me. that way ill never run out of new things to get excited about, right? the problem is, even though im keeping photography as an art to myself, i feel like as i get older i must improve heavily in order to stay on top. im known to take photos by the youth in anchorage (no, im not THAT well known ... but who can ignore the girl on stage at all the shows with the huge flash in your face?) and ive done a few jobs..but i dont want to be that well known because i dont think i am ready for anything. am i really ready for what im expected of?

maybe thats why i am so shy with my photo. see, i have much to learn about flashes, lighting, and all that. i need to know the correct aperture to use with this and that lens/flash/etc. the combinations seem endless. i know that i am past basic. in fact i love the photographs i take. they make me shiver when i shutter. thats all ive wanted. i want to get a really good photo with lighting etc. but i dont really have a mentor. i have experimentation. that has been my method since i picked up my dad's old film camera. he told me to go waste rolls of film learning depth of field and he would pay for it. i got a digital so i could erase it. but really, in almost 6 years, how much have i improved? not as much as i should i believe.

im not a downer. i just am sick of sitting on the sidelines with all these questions and not having them answered. i want to be 100% sure of the photograph i am taking when i go through the energy of setting it up. i have a brand new camera that should be perfect to use, yet i am so nervous when it comes to lighting etc.

when it comes to content, i realized half dreaming last night that i want to do fine art. or portraits. the thing is, i am REALLY into being able to set up my composition. i want to use patterns, lines, color, shapes, and light to make beautiful photographs that tickle my fancy. one day i will have a studio and there i can do whatever i wish. promise. but until then, i must stick with a photojournalistic fashion. taking pictures of people and things in their naturalness. oh well. i still love it.

anyways, all i want is to get back into it and feel excited. i want someone to see it and know that the techincal parts are good so then they can look past that into the artistic part which is obviously all i care about. i want that.

happy 9 monther to me and bartholomew.

2007-12-16T03:30:00.000-09:00

miss you baby! i love you!!!

im coming up only to hold you under

2007-12-13T20:51:00.001-09:00

two years is a long time to pretend

2007-12-11T06:10:00.000-09:00

i love moneeennnnn

its lookin like a limb torn off

2007-12-09T02:28:00.000-09:00

band of horses-no one's gonna love you
dl it stat.

today i went snowboarding at alyeska, bart let me use his season pass and he was the zapper so i got up pretty easily. then i went home while he was working chair 4 til 5:30, and at 6:30 he called and i went over to the lift chalet and drank beer and met the crew. after that Sweating Honey from Fairbanks were playing at the local bar and grill here called the Sitzmark, but they started checking ID's about 30 minutes after i got there (i did steal one beer though!) and i went back to the hotel and studied math.

sooo bart is freaking snoring I CANT HANDLE IT!

i hope my nyquil kicks in more.

ps. vh1 has a show called The Shot "America's search for the next top fashion photographer" FINALLY! i was wondering when something would have a camera show. fucking yes.

goodnight.

singing in the rain

2007-12-07T22:53:00.001-09:00

there are people outside the hotel in girdwood saying "LETS SING IN THE RAIN! come on!" its 11 PM, i think they're drunk. I'm in bart's hotel room hanging out on my computer studying for math a little bit. I hate math. Anyways, people should listen to Two Gallants.

renaaa

PS 2 weeks til FAIRBANKS!
PSS isnt hotel cable just so much more exciting to watch than cable you have at home? i dont know why, there's something about it. sooo weird.

bro ho

2007-12-05T19:28:00.001-09:00

my brother jason (the youngest brother, 3 years older than me) just graduated his 4th year at the U of Illinois last year and now is going into his 5th year to get his Masters and CPA. soooo anyways, he is really smart. and he accepted a position at KPMG, in Anchorage, for next fall. Sooooo he is going to be moving to Anchorage next fall where I will be going to school. I'm soooo exciiiited.

WOOO Good Job Jason.

december

2007-12-02T20:21:00.000-09:00

we loved that game but we never played.

2007-12-01T03:02:00.000-09:00

think back: 2 summers ago. one of my favorite things in the world is music. im sure a lot of people can completley relate that it brings you somewhere else, and then whatever you were listening to will remind you of that place, the next time you listen to it. i was working downtown at a restaurant, making sandwiches and soups and salads in a chef's coat for tourists at noon. there were two albums that kicked my ass that summer. 1. mae-the everglow and 2. motion city soundtrack-commit this to memory. what fucking awesome albums. anyways, i spent most of my energy on working and hanging out that summer. i was 17, and i remember driving my truck downtown every day and parking across the street by the gas station. i remember it always being sunny and when it wasnt, it was stormy, which was even better. i was going to be a senior that fall, and it was the second summer i had spent really into this rad guy i had met online as pen pal things. well he gave me those albums, and so obviously he was attached to those songs, and those lyrics, and all that. right now i am in my apartment in anchorage, 2.5 years later, living with my boyfriend who got drunk and in a fight tonight...and i am not going to sleep because hes so sick hes choking on his mucus and he stops breathing every once in a while. im online, fucking around, and "hold me down" comes on by MCS. wtf, flashback. everything that is happening right now at this instant is so complex compared to those moments that this music brings back to me. which brings back another point. we really only really remember the good things. i remember snowboard camp that summer, and b-a-n-a-n-a-s was a hit. I remember still caring about some dude named Chris from anchorage that i dated for a while and broke up with, i remember writing him a letter on a picnic table outside the condo in Girdwood. I remember working and slicing my finger open and almost passing out, and my boss thinking i was crazy. i remember summer solstice, i was SOOO tan from camp, and me and skye met up downtown...alex came with. then we went to the lookout at UAF and had slurpies, something we swore we would make a tradition. i remember always partying with the same 5 guys at their apartment. i remember tryig out my camera any chance i got since i had JUST gotten it that may. I remember being best friends with kelly and sara from work, and drinking with them at the fair. i remember daniel firmin, and the first time he let me listen to "hey there delilah" and how instantly fell in love with it. i remember alicia and casey...closure on huffman drive, and the best fucking trip i have ever taken..only to valdez. Valdez has its own memories, but ill never forget park hopping, and the giggle fest we had underneath the tire swing. daniel had to come pick me up from paxsun cus casey couldnt take me all the way. i remember dan telling him i owed him...and i never paid him back. i remember school starting, and i was playing volleyball. and taking senior pictures. i remember school spirit, and after practice me and alex would meet up and go shooting or skating. alex and i were so close. and we went out to Nordale, all the time. I had new jeans and a new jacket and new shoes, and brown hair. The first time i ever heard "the unicorns" was on our way back from Gilmore Trail in alex's car. i miss alex. i remember halloween, i was a butterfly cus i had a colorful jacket and some wings, and my kindergarten buddies seemed dissapointed, cus they were princesses. I remember volleyball trips, and how I had a bad attitude. I remember dying my hair dark again, with a cherry shine. I remember when we went to Anchorage, and in the hotel I started having headaches. I remember how that was the beginning of the worst year of my life, but i didnt know it. I remember the entire smell and sight of that trip...how we sucked ass at state but we also got to fly cus the weather was so bad. My mom came down, too. I remember thanksgiving, and christmas, and crying in a bathtub on new years. On new years, I played "together we'll ring in the new year" at new years, when I kissed a girl named casey because I had no one to kiss, even though I really want to kiss Roy, but he ended up having sex with his ex gf and i walked in on it. I remember billy was high, and he sat up all night and let me cry on his bed. He slept on the floor. 6 days later there was a concert and billy played, and we got really close. 3 Months later, I went to Anchorage with Skye, and met brett. I got drunk a lot. and brett and i kissed in the freezing wind in his driveway after his guitar got stolen. And when i got to fairbanks, I broke it off for permanence with the guy from the computer. 2 weeks later, he was in a relationship with someone hes been with ever since. There's something about that bond, its so amazing. I never got over him, and it was out of my control. all my sensibility went out the window, and i had a hard time working it out with brett. in april i had butt surgery. and my mom and i went to seattle to fix my headaches. i dont remember what i listened to that trip, but i did call online dude so he knew i was alive. i remember i called him from the hospital lobby where we waited for hours to meet the doctor. i got earrings from the gift shop right next to that lobby. i even remember the chair i was it. he didnt care. me and cam met the next summer (06) he stalked my myspace page, and i thought he was the most mysterious dude. we met at KRUA, i brought wine, but i drank it all. then i wrote him a note, and he kept it forever. when he got fired from BN, we hung out everyday. It started on wino night at billy's. i was wearing a dress from seattle and i told him i wanted to stay with him. i still remember the smell of his apartment. and the first time i walked into it. i loved it. i remember his room, and the futon that always fell over if you leaned on one side too much. i remember the sex lamp that we made from Angel's shirt. i remember that i stayed there every night. I hardly went home. I took advantage of my freedom. Then it all changed. cam introduced me to indie music, and all the music he listened to. Jenny Lewis-You Are What You Love. i ruined it by telling cam aobut online dude...but cam was such a good listener. He didnt force me to love his music, it just happened. He didnt make me think or want anything i didnt. he was amazing, he let me roll into everything. the best month of my life, i think. i didnt want to leave for college. but he made me 2 mixes, sarena is happy and sarena is sad. and i took them with me, and i tried to listen to them more than mae or motion city soundtrack. and a year later, its basically always like that. cam was the most significant change in my life, and it was the best change ever. my mind changed, and i moved on, and now i have my own life.

there is nothing to this story. its just me journalling. but fuck, i love thinking about the good things. i miss so many people, so many relationships. i miss a lot, but its ok. they were excellent moments, but i can move on.

i really miss cam.

cam, i miss you a lot.

whales.

2007-11-29T18:34:00.000-09:00

ok. thats it. my personal debt is becoming out of control. now i hve a whale sweater and will look cute for christmas. but i need to stop spending money because my rent is $600 and bart is moving out and i dont get paid much at my job, haha!. ok sarena...GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF!

love, yourself...your broke ass self.

ps. tomorrow starts the Anchorage Film Festival. yay:)
pps. i came home, the tv and all lgihts were on, but bart is gone. where is bart? why was the door unlocked? :(

weddings

2007-11-28T13:24:00.000-09:00

(cringe) woke up this morning on my air mattress (that has a hole in it...so every morning im practically laying on the floor) and i had just awoke from a dream where i was going on a date or something with my boyfriend (impretty sure it was bart-but you know how dreams are) and i was like fuck it! im getting married! somehow i had the dress and everything (i looked smokin!) and all my family and friends were ready. wtf? anyways...i realized last minute that i was doing it for the wrong reasons and i have cherished marriage my whole life as being something i am REALLY sure of (divorce rates...and morality) and theni woke up thank god i didnt have to walk down the dream aisle and tell my dream fiance its a no go.

anyways, why the fuck am i dreaming about that kind of stuff.

some characters from my past were there also...and here i am telling {their] girlfriends why they werent the ones for them. wow.

oh and then on my msn i wrote "GETTING MARRIED TONIGHT!" hahaha. i love it.

okay, it was a nice change, but im over it. marriage is not for at least 8 years. 8 years of dating someone, that is, before I know i can handle them FOREVER.
:)

ps. work is fun :)

spanksgiving

2007-11-25T15:04:00.000-09:00

the boys are so cute. football and turkey. good times. too bad torin got all the leftovers. NOT FAIR!
barts so feining for thanksgiving leftovers that hes going to buy another turkey and have his own dinner here, just so he can have the leftovers. hahaha. i love tradition.

other than that...i start work tomorrow :) and soon im going to go work out and run off the vodka i drank last night and all the chips i drunk munched on. and then finish projects. SCHOOL IS ALMOST OVER!!!!

<3rena

why oh yew

2007-11-21T11:49:00.000-09:00

its wednesday, november 21, and we dont have classes today! because of thanksgiving. yesterday i had an interview at a coffee shop downtown, which also does food. i think i got it! so hopefully i will be working very soon (tips tips tips!) i miss working. i just feel more productive if i work. cus my brain works and if i forgot something about school i have time to fix it cus im up way earlier. haha. anyways, the job looks like a lot of fun. i am stoked to finally laern coffee in specific form, instead of knowing bits and pieces.

i also got a membership at a gym called Planet Fitness. its only $20/month and its got all the machines i need and you have unlimited tans. cha-ching! what a great deal. me and Jenne have been going the last 3 days, and I think once i wake up im going to head over by myself and run a couple miles. ok, personally i hATE thet treadmill (i have fallen off it....im a LoSER!) but it makes me feel really good-i just have to hold on to the bar, haha. Ok, I'm going to wake myself up.

Ta-Ta.

11/16 at the downstairs

2007-11-17T14:33:00.000-09:00

first of all: add me
renabee & her photography

maybe everything is tragic and temporary

2007-11-16T11:33:00.000-09:00

if you're so prone to accidents and misunderstandings you may accidently misinterpret honesty for selfishness. we're two human beings. individually. with inherent interest in each other and how we relate. if you're still prone to accidents and misunderstandings you won't understand me or my motivation for being alone. we're just two human beings. individually. with inherent interest in each other and how we relate. considering everything, me leaving with regrets only makes sense. i'll see you when we're both not so emotional.

thats why i will always love American Football

listening to: "Letters and Packages" by AF

hatcher's pass

2007-11-15T06:37:00.000-09:00

yesterday with jenne was beautiful. i had never been there and it was soooo rad. :)

the temptation of adam

2007-11-13T01:23:00.000-09:00

i normally dont post lyrics, ive only done it a few times on here to fill up space with my overwhelming love for the first time i heard the song. but in this case, i absolutely love this song, after listening to it about 50x. cam hit me hard with this one. and i think everyone who has ever needed a new song to make them smile should download this, asap.

josh ritter-the temptation of adam

"if this was a cold war, we could keep each other warm" i said on the first occasion that i met marie
we were crawling through the hedge that was the missile silo door, and i dont think that she really thought that much of me
i never had to learn to love her, like i learned to love the bomb
she just came along and started to ignore me
as we waited for "the big one," i started singing her my songs, and i think she started feeling something for me

we passed the time with crosswords that she thought to bring inside
"what five letters spell apocalypse?" she asked me
i wandered over singing W-W-I-I-I
we smiled and we both knew that shed misjudged me

oh marie, it was so easy to fall in love with you...it felt almost like a home of sorts or something
and you would keep the warhead missle silo good as new, and id watch you with my thumb above the button

then one night you found me in my army issue cot and you told me of your flash of inspiration
you said, "fusion was the broken heart that's lonely's only thought." and all night you drove me wild with your equations
oh marie do you remember all the time we used to take?
making love and then ransack the rations
i think about you leaving now in the avalance cascades
and my eyes get washed away in chain reactions

oh marie if you would stay in, we could stick pins in the map of all the places where you thought that love would be found
but i would only need one pin to show where my loves at, in a top secret location 300 feet under the ground

oh we could hold each other close, and stay up every night, looking up into the dark like its the night sky
pretend this giant missile is a old oak tree instead, carve our names in hearts into the warhead

oh marie theres something tells me things would not work out above, and our live would live a half-life on the surface
so at night when we are sleeping i hold you closer just because, as our time grows short i get a little nervous

so i think about "the big one", W-W-I-I-I, would we ever really care the world had ended?
you could hold me here forever, lke you're holding me tonight
i think about that great big button
and im tempted.

2007-11-13T01:07:00.001-09:00

wtf, rena! i fell asleep 1/4 of the way through heroes. i suck. now its 1AM and i just woke up.
i suck!

class at 8:30. uuuugh.

here's me.

cheeeeese!

2007-11-12T03:02:00.000-09:00

so today, after a few days of pondering it, i thought id start the atkins diet. so. im going to for at least the 2 starter weeks, and then if it doesnt work ill ease myself off of it. i realized how addicted i am to carbs, and how ive always wanted to stop eating them. so im treating them like an addiction-thanks to my Aunt who is on it and told me all about it! and its nice when you have something to think about everyday and to gain some willpower. its very empowering. i feel sooo good even though i totally missed eating rice tonight at dinner, and when bart had tomato soup with bread. kill me! haha. but you know what, it felt really good to stop myself. my mom lost 50 pounds on it! and ya know, if this doesnt work i am going to try something else.. but i feel really good. i am just ready to feel good again! after high school i just stopped doing activities other than basic snowboarding, some skiing, walking, and a little running. i miss team sports cus we had to work out and i feel sooo good after that. its hard for me to not sit in front of the tv with my boyfriend and watch a movie. haha. so im ready to get upbeat. if not for me, for my headaches. and cus winter is ALWAYS the worst time to become a hermit.

on another note, it snowed a LOT today! bart and i went to a park down the road from us called campbell creek park and walked really far back. it was dumping snow the whole time we were walking, it was adorable. on the way back to the truck we looked across the trail and there was a mama and baby moose! scary! i forgot how much i hate being close to moose, even though they are soooo cute. but i panicked, and freaked out on bart who was going, "SWEEET! hey moosey moosey!" (shivers) i dont want to be murdered by that moose, no matter how freaking adorable it is.

math test tomorrow, and its 3:08 am. ive gotta go to sleep! <3 loves

coffee

2007-11-10T15:40:00.000-09:00

tomato soup

2007-11-07T16:46:00.000-09:00

all of these taken last night at our apartment complex. first one is by the entrance, second is on the stairs that we dont use cus we live underground..haha, and last being the back side of our building..on the grass because it STILL hasnt snowed in anchorage. w.t.f.

zaireeka

2007-11-06T03:51:00.001-09:00

http://www.coaching4lesbians.com/blog/2006/03/02/create-space-to-reduce-stress-2/

I was working on my persuasive speech on travel and found this. Very good article!

strip club hangover

2007-11-04T20:25:00.000-09:00

last night was funnnnnn. at like 8 i went and met my brother at a bar/restaurant downtown called snowgoose, and went in and hung out until he was done with his beer. met some other interns. sweet. then we went to my apt, he bought a ticket to fairbanks and then we headed over to this guy from high school named Chad. there we drank and played guitar hero until like 11:30, haha. then i met up with caitlen and we got in one big car and drank some tequila and went to the strip club. brianne met us there and stripped down to her nothings to put on one of caitlens random shirt and we got hammed.

i got to motor boat a strippers titties.

highlight of my lifeeeee.

we're forest fires waiting to happen

2007-11-03T08:41:00.000-08:00

hahaha. so this morning i log into my hotmail and "update" to live webmail or some bullshit, basically hotmails idea of trying to be as rad as Gmail. anyways i am going through some of my old folders, and i get to "chicks". yea so i turn to an email i sent myself subjected "songs" from 10/25/04 and i open it up and here are some examples of lyrics i had bunched into one email from a bunch of songs:

"my god, it's beautiful the way the crimson syrup drains away. the art in the knife as it lathers red milk. you are my canvas."

"the truth is, there's been an autumn in me and it's been that way since may."

"i'm reaching in my chest, but the killswitch on my heart is broken and i've been dead for years...and then i realized the truth;
we're forest fires waiting to happen, and buildings designed to collapse. i can't wait to watch you burn and fall."

"i’ve made a million messes, and i’ll make a million more. trust me, baby…maybe i’m not the man you’re searching for. someone call an ambulance."

HAHAHA. EMOOOOOO
I totally KNOOOOW that i was so in love with these lyrics and i bet if i go through my old msn logs they are titles in my name after the (u) broken heart sign or some bullshit. hahaha. that was the fall i met josh, oh my GOD i was emo.

if i asked real sweet, would ya take a ride with me?

2007-11-01T10:52:00.000-08:00

"we'd drive down streets that no one else has ever seen. red bucket seats with a stereo from 1953. i knew you before you were born. ive seen an ending worth waiting for under blankets and maps to keep us warm."

i really really love rocky v.

today i am relieved!

i handed in my 3 history midterm papers this morning at 9:39, which was one burden off my hands. directly after i walked to my next class instead of driving which was invigorating especially since my ipod is working and Josh Ritter's "The Temptation of Adam" was on repeat...and loud.

my next class was Astronomy. i had another test over chapters 6-9. think i studied? no! i was more worried about my history papers! so i glanced through it for like 5 mins before class and thank god i did. at least i got 1/4 of the questions right or at least my educated guesses had stronger influence in 1/4 of them. oh god i am gonna end up dropping that class.

now i am zombie like in the student union. im waiting for brett but he doesnt get out of class for 10 mins and hes usually 20 mins late getting here. omg his clone just walked by. wow. perfect timing.

i am ZOMBIE like because i havent slept since i woke up at like 4 pm yesterday. coffeeeeeee!!!!

interesting facts about this weekend in my life.
1. my bro Jason is coming to town from Urbana, getting interviewed for an accounting firm. oh my hes one smart brotha.
2. jenne is lonely because the love of her life who was here for about a week just went back to iowa and she is sad, therefore i must befriend her and in due course rape her with rena kisses or something delicious like that.
3. i am FINALLY AFTER MONTHS OF PLANNING having coffee with kelsey baby tonight. he is the best.
4. bart passed his pee test so he successfully has a job now so we are going to do laundry and clean house and stupid stuff like that.
5. because my tests and shit is all finished we can now get back to demolishing netflix and trying to cheat the system by watching movies as quick as we get them and sending them back before the mail man comes back..WE WILL GET OUR MONEYS WORTH DAMNET. letters to iwo jima, magnolia, and the gaurdian are awaiting me...
6. and then i have to do communications bullshit which is not okay.
7. oh and caitlen invited me to the strip club saturday night, CHA-CHING!
8. maybe applying for a job would be good, too. MAYBE.
9. Photoshoot with ZAC!!! FINALLY!
10. lots of sleep.

ok im gonna work on astronomy homework. enjoy my rambles, and go download that josh ritter song, i demand you!!

love hyper-zombie-rena

thnx malroy

2007-10-28T23:17:00.000-08:00

halloweeny

2007-10-28T16:39:00.000-08:00

i think ill settle down and call this safety

2007-10-27T03:52:00.000-08:00

friday, october 26, 2007.

wake up: 2:47 pm
eat.
watch antm reruns.
7:30: get in fight over finances.
stay home instead of hockey game;
back to antm reruns until 11:15 pm.
go to kelseys.
get 40's, make brass monkeys.
1:10: go to party on southside.
bart gets trashed somewhere in between all of this
2:04: get kicked out of party.
3:56 AM: still sitting here waiting for something to excite me.

i am so sick of this place.

skybridge

2007-10-23T12:28:00.000-08:00

brett and i hang out every tuesday in the student union skybridge between classes and today we were just sitting there and all of the sudden a guy coming down the skybridge dropped to the ground, foamed at the mouth, and started ceizing. holy. shit. so brett called 911 and a ton of people came over and one lady knew what was going on and another spoke spanish and when he came to tried to talk to him en espanol. holy shitttt it was crazy. i prayed for him right then and there. it was like a 5 minutes ceizure! the ambulence had to come and get him, and brett and i moved. that was sooo intense.

loves a trainwreck, youre a mistake

2007-10-22T11:50:00.000-08:00

http://s28.photobucket.com/albums/c208/shutterbug907/paddleboat%20cafe/

that is all my photos from the metal/kelseys show last thursday. chaching!

seh

makers

2007-10-21T02:11:00.000-08:00

heaven or heavenless, we're all headed for the same sweet darkness. -rocky votolato

I got my wisdom teeth out Friday morning, and then was retarded the rest of the day and bart is home now. its 2 in the morning Sunday, and I fell asleep at like 930 tonight. Now i cant sleep. My pain pills suck ass. And so do my neighbors-who are STILL running around. I think they are on meth cus I just cant understand how someone can walk around constantly day in and out.

Anyways these wisdom teeth make me look like a chipmunk and it is ridiculous. Other than that, I am so glad Bart is home. We went to the store last night and i was being the biggest bitch. Everything was irritating me. When we drove home I yelled at him for not taking a turn that I claim is faster, and we got in an argument about it, because I was high and wouldnt let it go, haha. Its ok, i realized i needed to shut my fucking mouth and that was that. Jeesus pain pills.

Okay I'm gonna try to go back to sleepo

xoxo

forget about your house of cards

2007-10-19T03:03:00.000-08:00

my fave pic from the metal show.

looove.

wisdom teeth out in 7 hrs.

night world.

i just want back in your head

2007-10-18T16:32:00.000-08:00

Today I confirmed my plane trip to Denver January 18-28 for the Winter X-games, my 20th Birthday on Jan 27 AND a great adventure with Haley and Brittany. Holy SHIT I cannot wait. You have no idea how rad this is going to be. If haley buys me a sidekick that is.

Oh, and bart called. He's fine. Just been in the wilderness. Haha. I need to get ahold of myself.

ITSSSS HHHEEERRREE!!!

2007-10-17T16:09:00.000-08:00

HAPPPPPINNNESSSSS!

hey jude

2007-10-16T04:52:00.000-08:00

first of all, across the universe is fucking amazing.

anyways. its 5 AM. i have class at 8:30, 11, 1, and 530. im supposed to give a speech in the third class, and I am not officially ready. at all.

I cant sleep because my heart dropped unexplainably and I'm lonely. Because I am pathetic, and worried about Bart since he hasnt called me since Friday, haha. I just worry about people. Plane crashes, hunting accident. I'm a worry wort. Anything can happen.

Well its all that plus I dont like to be in this apartment alone. The neighbors upstairs, dont sleep at night. In fact not only do they not sleep at night, they walk around their apartment all night. Seriously. its 5 am and they are still thudding and squeeking. It's enough to drive me crazy but also enough to make me feel less lonely.

I just miss him. I miss his voice and his face and his eyes and his skin. I miss his food too. Cus i had ramen today. And it sucked. But reminded me of Haley. Aw.

I miss Bartholomew. (7 months yesterday)

im sure your heart is breaking too

2007-10-15T23:29:00.001-08:00

hair cut hair cut, you are so cute.

i wish bart had called. buuttt still nothing since friday.
GUESS WHAT! my camera is here. I just am too busy to NOT miss the UPS dude. uuugh.

obsession, much?

2007-10-14T23:24:00.000-08:00

the minute i saw this scene at the end of Weeds i started crying. and now im obsessed with leona naess, who sings the song in the background. mmm. go watch it. feel beautiful.

VOTE FOR ME!!

2007-10-09T12:14:00.001-08:00

thank you :) i love you!

P.S.

2007-10-09T02:48:00.000-08:00

" Our lives are based on circumstance. We do as well as we can with what we have. It shouldn't be that hard to understand. "
More Monica Canilao.
loooving it.

forever more

2007-10-09T02:22:00.000-08:00

its 2:23 am

i cant sleep.

class at 8:30 am

i have bad breath.

bart leaves thursday late for a week, hunting on Montana. im going to miss him a lot.

but its okay.

because i paid for my camera today, and a new lens, and a battery grip. to be in next week.
and im broke but complete feeling again.

and now i cant stop fantasizing about the affair im going to have with my finger and a certain shutter sound.

sigh..

(Maria Taylor-Speak Easy)

a quote from Juxtapoz Magazine

2007-10-07T18:40:00.000-08:00

"People keep themselves busy trying to find reasons to fight. Destruction precdes creation. Where is the next meal coming from and why the fuck do I have to pay for it? We choose battles that are petty, and seek fortunes so massive they block our ability to trust one another or perceive our own competence. Money draws blood, and people get hungry. In the end we are just dust and more dust. The only thing that will have mattered is if you took the time to stop and pick someone else up out of this shit when they needed it, made something out of nothing, or opened someone's eyes." -Monica Canilao

at a motel on a double bed

2007-10-05T14:18:00.001-08:00

blaaaaah i get my wisdom teeth out in 2 weeks.

and out of everyone ive met, its you i cant forget

2007-10-03T00:03:00.000-08:00

my mom came down this weekend, it was sweet. she helped me out with a lot of apartment stuff. and bart drove up to fairbanks this morning for some more stuff, hes almost back now.

today was my long day, classes at 830, 10, 1-4, 530-815. luckily the last 2 got out about an hour-2 hours each early. SO nice. now im at home cus alicia didnt call me to go look at her apartment.

WELL

i just found out, of course, that 5 months after my digital rebel broke in Petersburg when i was visiting bart, that it has, in fact, a 5 year warranty on it, and i dont have to pay for any of it to be fixed. wooow. so i could have had a CAMERA this whole time! waht im going to do is get it fixed and sell it lens-less.

well im purchasing the new canon 40D and a battery grip for it, as well as a simple extra lens for kicks. My entire PFD (permanent fund dividend...this year its $1624 of free money to ME.) is going towards rebuilding my savings account. haha.

also; i am going to go visit the girls in colorado for my birthday/winter x-games. im very excited. as long as haley finds me a FAKE so i can actually go OUT with her!

That's about it.

<3

they're flexible, chris

2007-09-28T01:30:00.000-08:00

i am drunk. at my apartment. with chris, kelsey, lauren, and bart.

Cus i, love the way you call me baby.
and YOU love me the way i am.

ingrid michaelson. sold out to Old Navy. but its okay its chill.

i love bart!!

sooooooo.... im drinking vodka tonic and it brings me back to my cabin this summer. i miss haley and brittany SO MUCH.

space is not just a place for stars

2007-09-23T14:15:00.000-08:00

today bart and i went to the zoo...and the polar bears went swimming! it was the cutest thing ever. the girl bear dove under and back scratched herself against the wall underwater, then she played with this red ball . so cute. too bad they would eat ur head off in a heartbeat.

ok im still in love with the polarbear.

good news! the permanent fund dividend this year is $1654.00. automatically, half of my PFD gets put right into a UA scholars fun so i only get $827 for myself. I'm gonna go ahead and spend that on a camera i believe. As long as i get a job soon to pay for the other 600$. oi oi.

i love the good life.

thats all. homework is NO BUENO!

beth would be pissed if i came home with strep babies

2007-09-20T17:50:00.000-08:00

me and alicia and bart are going to BRIGHT EYES in about an hour..i am WAY excited.

we have been drinking.

i enjoy this.

NEW APARTMENT! :::

Studio 4

2007-09-19T22:04:00.000-08:00

I am now no longer homeless! I really wish i had a camera cus Id show you guys what it looks like! its a studio, so its REALLY small, and i have a big queen sized air mattress in the "living room" which is the biggest part of the place. haha. the kitchen is right next to it and it has like 3 cupboards and a tiny tiny stove. the bathroom also has a small door and there are no outlets in it (pissed me off) and then theres a closet. i live in a great location, right off of Tudor (school is down Tudor, left on Lake Otis, right on Providence-like 5 minutes from here) also I can take the seward hghway South or North directly leaving my road. My drive is actually in the turning lane of the Southbound Seward Highway.

typos, please excuse.

ANYWAYS bart came with me today for a shopping experience for food...$190 later i have food in my Studio!!

We also stopped by GCI and i looked up cable/internet/phoneline costs, that is going to be installed next week.

My mom is coming to town next weekend to help me with stocking this place a little more (shelves, etc) so im not going to buy anything else until well, she decideds if i need or not..and then procedes to buy it for me. haha.

I have a shitton of homework to do tonight, and early classes @ 830 and 10. I have a quiz at 830 as well.

Caitlen is coming by tonight to check out the place. And i just got home from my late class, he offers ever so wonderfully to cook something for me and when i say "yes" he says, "how about a grilled lime chicken and bacon with ranch wrap?"

now THAT is my boo.

so hes whipping that out from effing scratch on my tiny stove right now, making me entirely happy.

Okay well i ALSO found out i had Strep, so now these antibiotics that make me sick are very necessary.

Yarr sore throat bullshit.

My apartment smells delicious.

Okay that is all.

my oh my, you pretty thing

2007-09-17T11:21:00.000-08:00

Alicia got into town last night, so i went and picked her up. Bart's face is doing better, (torin and him got in a drunken fight and torin broke his hand on bart's face). I have a math test in like, 2 hours. No bueno!

Hopefully the lady from the STUDIO calls me and lets me move in today...but I'm not sure whats going on. I hope hope hope it works out cus Torin is getting real sick of us.

Alicia gave me the new Rilo Kiley. WOO!

RILO KILEY, 15
twenty-five, a season off dope.
three sheets to the wind like a close line rope.
he's the spider on the web.
she was a tiny woman
he presents, her developing body was just the beginning
she said is anybody out there?
she was bruised like a cherry, ripe as a peach
how could he have known that she was only fifteen?
and she came to him like the tick on the nuce,
little blue eyed soul for his black and blues
it's a new move for the likes of me
our skin is like grass, lets smoke it real fast.
is anybody out there?
he was deep like a graveyard, wide like tv
and how could he have known that she'd be down for almost anything?
she was only, only, only fifteen
my oh my, you pretty thing,
it's about that time for us to meet.
does your daddy have a shotgun?
he was deep like a graveyard
she was ripe as a peach
and how could he have known that she was only fifteen?
she was only, only, only fifteen.
well she was only, only, only fifteen.

silhoetted by the light

2007-09-15T00:48:00.000-08:00

bad day. bad bad day. but im just going to leave lyrics here instead of telling whats going on and why my boyfriends face looks like a pumpkin on our 6 month anniversary.

motion city lyrics-the conversation (thanx mal)

You remember how we met;
Silhouetted by the lights
You were drunk and tried to take
A mental picture with your hands

I was thinking about that
And a bunch of other things
Stop looking at the floor
I need to pour out this expansive dose of words

I can't explain
I need to be... alone

I know the timing isn't great
But these things you just can't plan
I just need a little time so I can find myself again

'Cause i get buried underneath
All the things they think you are
And I'm too tired to pretend
It doesn't hurt to be left out

I had a pocket full of dreams
But I gave them all to you
Now I think I want 'em back

So can you tell me if I'm crazy or confused
Don't ever change
The way you are
I've never loved anyone more...

fuck fuck fuck

2007-09-14T16:44:00.000-08:00

so i go look at this studio at 11:30, and its nice. fine, whatever i need a HOME.

then i go to the mall with bart..

doctor appt at 3 for my BALLOON of a tonsil.. laringitis

pick up torin, get back to the apt, lock my keys my phone and my medicine in the trunk of my car.

i hate stress.

lajsdlkjsadjsad

waxing gibbous

2007-09-13T10:40:00.000-08:00

im in astronomy class right now. my friend Nate is asleep to the left of me. its a quarter to eleven, i had class at 830 this morning before this one. nate always sleeps through class. i wonder why he even comes haha.

we are learning about lunar orbits and phases. i am so confused. its interesting though, just..a lot to think about. homework is stressful! i have a shit ton to do all the time. lots of reading. yarr.

me in class, nate woke up to put his pencil into the picture:

i left my awesome hooden mittens in my last class across campus, so im hoping they are still there when i get out of this one.

so i decided that one major disadvantage of living out of my car (except for the fact that its a big disadvantage as it is) ... is that i havent been able to brush my hair in weeks cus i cant find my brush. haha. grosss.

things i need to do:

1. astronomy hmwk due saturday @11
2. read history chapters and comm chapters
3. study math, first test tues- math lab?
4. financial aid/ etc at university center
5. find a home
6. drop the rest of west's stuff off at his hostel and plan to never see him again
7. go tanning
8. brittany-all day today
9. buy contacts case-take out contacts for once
10. look for good camera deal

etc etc

AND i really need to go on a vacation. desperately. so ive got $950 alaska airline credit and i need to make sure to use it wisely.

any ideas?

over it.

2007-09-12T13:06:00.000-08:00

things have been not so great lately. yesterday my headaches turned into killers and have crippled me all day and today. west, who im supposed to move in with, decided that hes happy living at the hostel for $270 a month, so he does not want to move in with me, trapping me into being homeless for sure. i am really stressed out. i refuse to move in with my boyfriend because i am not ready for that.

school is really intense. astronomy has been really stressing me out, there is a bunch of math and i am so out of the way of things. i think im going to get a shot of toradol for my headaches either today or tomorrow so i can function.

i DID run into an old friend that is a bright face to see. marquis, who i met through brett, was at Midway Cafe today as i was going in to grab an application. he gave me his number so i can hang out with him sometime soon.

the job far today didnt really interest me either. im sooo stressed! i need a vacation.

still homeless?

2007-09-05T17:45:00.000-08:00

yes, i am. and it is RIDICULOUS. bart's ex girlfriend branda's good friend TORIN is letting us stay with him until we go to fairbanks tomorrow. nice guy. i am supposed to be looking for an apartment but there are no good duplexes available and there are only a few nice 3 brs. i am SO stressed still.

this weekend i went back to Denali and worked for a couple days at the job i worked this summer. it was ridiculous. I'm so over it. i made lke 130$ which is always nice.

Okay im outa here. class soon.

before its too late

2007-09-01T12:30:00.000-08:00

oh my god.

I LOVE TRANSFORMERS.

new favorite movie of all time. i know, i know..i'm a dork. but seriously SO good.

i am going to buy it the day it comes out and watch it over and over again.

soooo gooood.

<3

ANYWAYS...
yesterday bart and i went on a date to thai kitchen and transformers...then went to get Alicia at the airport. We hung out for a few hours and went to Chili's..(I still cant think about food..soo full) and then came back here, napped, and Jenne bart and I went to BINGO. we didnt win but got really close. Alicia went over to Beth's.

Today we are going to go see the apartment at 4. The damn apartment is like, the most difficult thing i have ever had to go through. I think jenne is kicking me out too so its like, REALLY homeless until i get to move in somewhere. Bart is still asleep and he REALLY wanted to go to the fair but i dont know if thats gonna work out todaaay. I dunno, maybe we'll go after.

okay all i really wanted to say was that i love transformers. and shiea labouef. hotttt.

in the morning

2007-08-30T13:01:00.000-08:00

I am listening to Junior Boys...given to me by Cam. tonight my wonderful boyfriend Bartholomew arrives from Denali. Tomorrow we are going to the fair and i think tonight me and Tad, my friend from high school, are gonna go to Speed Dating at the commons...last year i met a guy and ended up dating him for a week. maybe tad will get sommme.

Uhmmm today i had History at 830 in the morning instead of the one i was in at 10..i dont want to wake up that early for school but i dont have a choice, i HAD to get into an astrology course at 10. I had to run all over town to the UC for an add drop form and all that. Good news is that I have everything figured out before the deadline (tomorrow) and I also got an application for the National Student Exchange..I'm trying to transfer to Mesa State in Colorado next year. NSE is sooo easy to do. Its a one page APP and $150 and bam. you're going to a different school with the same UAA Financial Aid for no confusions and whichever tuition is cheaper you get to pay that.

I also got an application for Barnes and Noble Cafe...filled that shit out. I am just thinking about the tips we get. thats all that i think about. I hope they hire me with this bull ring in my nose.

I'm going to apply at an espresso stand too.. and some other places. I hate minimum wage but thats what these places pay.

Alicia gets in tomorrow night, we look at the apartment on Saturday. I hope to god i can move in SOON. I do not like living at someone else's expense. I hate intruding.

Jenne, her roommate, and I went to this new place by the UC called Deli something and it was deliciousss. The cashier was nerdy but i could sense him staring. Hot.

Uhm other than that... i have a 5 day weekend and i plan to live it up! First week of college...drinking a lot.

<3Sarena

when we started up, it didnt look this high

2007-08-29T00:30:00.001-08:00

migraines are back. get ready.

listening to: mason jennings. aka perfection.